The best way yet to measure the implosion of the TV and radio industries!

Really, this is kind of genius…

WPP Group PLC [one of the really big advertising agencies] invested in a Silicon Valley start-up that arms consumers with cellphones that measure which television and radio ads they see and hear…

Integrated Media Measurement Inc. outfits survey participants with a device inside their cellphones. As long as the cellphones are on, any ads the people hear are recorded.

Getting accurate information about how many people are exposed to their ads is a top priority for marketers.

However, it is not yet clear how many of the following additional factors the new whizzy cellphone measurement devices will be able to track:

  • Number of visits to the bathroom during commercial breaks while your cellphone is left on the living room couch — pay-per-flush?
  • Same for visits to the fridge — pay-per-pie!
  • Number of very very subtle and quiet clicks of your channel changer remote control
  • Awakeness/alertness level of the viewer at any given time — you guessed it, pay-per-snore
  • Percentage of putative TV/radio viewing/listening attention instead actually focused on reading Digg on your laptop
  • The frequency with which you can actually remember the brand of car or toothpaste or breakfast cereal being marketed by yet another bland, undifferentiated, generic TV or radio commercial — pay-per-retain-anything-at-all
  • The pounds-per-square-inch of pressure being exerted by your posterior when you’re accidentally sitting on your cellphone while you watch TV
  • Number of thousands of times you prop your cellphone up in front of your computer speakers and play the “Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead!” TV commercial on Youtube on an infinite repeating loop just to f— with The Man, while you go out for a pizza
  • Confusion level of your teenage son or daughter when confronted with the idea that you’re supposed to listen to music interrupted by commercials — or video interrupted by commercials, for that matter

Good luck measuring that ol’ inherently unmeasurable media, dudes!