Failure Now An Option

So says The Onion, confirming decades of Silicon Valley conventional wisdom…

In a stunning reversal of more than 200 years of conventional wisdom, failure—traditionally believed to be an unacceptable outcome for a wide range of tasks and goals—is now increasingly seen as a viable alternative to success, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Americans have always been told that they should succeed at all costs,” Emory University sociologist Dr. Lauren Hodge said. “But based on new evidence, this can no longer be called true—if, in fact, it ever was. As failure continues to dominate the American landscape, this mantra must be overruled.”

“We have no choice but to revoke failure’s non-optional status, effective immediately,” Hodge continued. “Now all citizens will be able to step back, stare down the hardship and difficulty they will face in the pursuit of success, and say, ‘Fuck that—this isn’t worth it.'”

…Many scholars now believe that [widespread] failures have historically been obscured by optimistic slogans and so-called positive thinking, neither of which, according to the report, has had a verifiable effect: Americans’ overall failure rate went up nearly 2,350 percent over the past decade, with 1,435,643 instances of failure reported last Sunday alone.

“In retrospect, failure becoming an option was inevitable,” historian Michael Lambeau said. “The only difference is that now Americans can choose, without fear of being ostracized by society, to quit long before getting ahead.”

Lambeau predicted a substantial decrease in the number of everyday Americans who fear failure, and a dramatic rise in those who actually embrace the once-reviled stench of defeat and disappointment.

…Though the broad new trend touches all 300 million citizens, experts said that sports coaches, CEOs of large corporations, U.S. Army commanders overseeing large-scale military operations, and anyone who often starts sentences with the word “gentlemen” will be most affected.