Astonishing Societe Generale transcripts emerge…

As uncovered by Financial Crookery:

Saturday morning. A particularly nice apartment in an upmarket residential district of Paris. Monsieur Bouton is shaving in front of the mirror. A lady lounges on the plush bed. The telephone rings.

Bouton: “‘allo?”

Voice: “Bonjour, Danny, eet iz Christophe ‘eere.”

Bouton: “Christophe?”

Voice: “Yes, Christophe Mianne….your ‘ed of capital markets and derivatives…ze one who got you Equity Derivatives ‘Ouse of ze Year.”

Bouton: “Yes, what do you want. I am busy eere. And call me sir.” (he winks at the lady)

Mianne: “‘ow you like ze markets at the moment sir? Ze equities I mean?”

Bouton: “Zat is your job to tell me. I pay you 5 million euros last year for zis game. I don’t like your question.”

Mianne: “OK OK OK. I sink we ‘av accident. I ‘av unexpected exposure.”

Bouton: “How unexpected?”

Mianne: “About 70 billion euros unexpected. All long.”

Bouton: “70 million? And you are bothering me about zis on le weekend?”

Mianne: “Sir, you mis’eard me. I said billion. Seventy sousand million euros of long exposure.”

Bouton: “Is zis bad?”

Mianne: “Une catastrophe, sir. I sink you ‘av to come into ze office today.”

Monsieur Bouton ends the telephone call. He apologises to the lady, dresses and summons his chauffeur from his slumber in a not so nice apartment in a not so nice residential district of Paris. We move to Saturday lunchtime. An equally plush boardroom in la Defence, Paris. Many, many assorted senior faces present.

Bouton: “What is ‘appening?”

Head of Risk: “Sir, we ‘av discovered some unausorised positions in ze equity derivatives delta one desk. Because of zis we have beaucoup de long exposure. We ‘av lost about 1 billion Euros so far. I recommed zat we quickly close zis position and….”

Bouton: “…who ze fuck are you?”

Head of Risk: “I am ze ‘ed of risk sir. We ‘ave a junior guy who ‘id some trades. It eez a large position which we found by accident. It eez not my fault.”

Bouton: “Shut up. I am announcing our results in 4 days and I do not want zis position.”

Head of Risk: “Me too. I think zat we….”

Bouton: “Shut up…..merde…..Mianne, ‘ow we get rid of zis position and ‘ow much we lose?”

Mianne: “Sir, ze US she is closed Monday. Lazy Americaine. If we unload on Monday ze impact will be huge.”

Bouton: “‘ow bout we call some banks and ‘edge funds and place it?”

Mianne (with panic in the voice): “SIR, it is seventy billion euros! Zis is like a quarter of ze whole belgian market. Eef I even mention zis figure on a telefone ze other party will ‘ang up and start shorting. We will be killed! We can tell no one, sir, no-one! We ‘af to be fast.”

Bouton: “‘ow much we lose if we sell?”

Mianne: “Eet doesn’t matter. If people find out before we are finished eet’s a bigger number.”

Bouton: “I don’t understand.”

Mianne (patiently): “Sir, zis figure is so impossibly ‘uge zat we are dead if anyone know it.”

Bouton: “Merde. OK sell. Zen we talk again OK.”

Wednesday evening, Paris.

Mianne: “We ‘ad some ‘elp from ze Fed. Zey so dumb zey thought it was a recession. We only lost 4.9 billion euros. Zis is good, no?”

Bouton: “Who was zis guy, ze tradeur who did zis?”

Mianne: “We lost him, sir. ‘E ‘as vanished.”

Bouton: “Tomorrow ‘e is famous. Zey will find ‘im, ze press. I am ‘appier being me zan zis tradeur.”

[* with apologies to the cast, crew and writers of ‘Allo ‘Allo]