12 questions for the producers of the new Bionic Woman

Not even remotely in order of importance:

     

  • Any organization that developed biomedical technology for instant healing and flawless body part replacement — technology 20 years ahead of its time — would be able to license it and generate hundreds of billions of dollars of income very quickly. Instead, they keep it secret and derive no real value from it. Why?

     

    (On behalf of my childhood, I would also like to extend this same question to the producers of Knight Rider and Airwolf.)

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  • What is a “private” company doing running around the continental United States fighting terrorists? What happened to the FBI? Hello? Did all the American intelligence satellites all of a sudden stop working so the feds can’t see your commandos running around that village where everyone died from a bioweapons attack? I mean, I know the Bush administration is incompetent, but did the federal government completely vanish?
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  • Exactly how poorly run is such an organization that it has no in-house commandos and needs to “call Halliburton” to rent some mercenaries? Hello?
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  • Speaking of mismanagement, how did Jonas, the boss dude, go from menacing creep in the pilot to cuddly good guy by the second episode?
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  • Is there some new rule that all the boss dudes of American paramilitary outfits have to be named Jonas now? Haven’t you seen The Unit? Will the bad guys all be named “The Whale” from now on?
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  • Speaking of The Unit, what exactly is the point of having an untrained, undisciplined, uneducated amateur prone to crying, complaining, and rejecting missions as your lead superagent, versus, say, a normal Special Forces A-team? The fact that she can see people’s eyeballs real good and punch through drywall? I’m not quite catching the cost/benefit equation here. Have you really thought this through?

     

     

  • So, you’re a young woman so smart and well educated that you were “accepted to Harvard” but you couldn’t go because your shiftless father dumped your whiny teenage sister on your doorstep and you have to take care of her. What logic would you use to conclude that being a bartenderwould be the ideal job for that situation? Hello? Bartenders work at night, you moron! Wouldn’t you want practically any other job that would have you working during the day while your sister is at school? Does Harvard know about this? Have they asked you to send back that acceptance letter?
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  • You don’t have time to take night classes (or, taking into account your dumb-ass bartending job, day classes) but you have time to be a travelling bionic superagent?
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  • Why would you hire that creepy gay-basher dude from Desperate HousewivesWhy? Was no one else available? A short list of more compelling alternative actors: Scott Baio, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Danny Bonaduce, that pudgy Brady Bunch guy Adrienne Curry is married to, Estelle Getty, Verne Troyer. I’m just saying.
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  • 1972 Pontiac GTO Judge? 1972? Your production budget couldn’t afford a’71? Hello?
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  • How great is it that I am now a paying customer of primetime network shows — by virtue of buying them from Amazon Unbox or iTunes instead of watching them on TV — and that as a paying customer I feel much more entitled to complain openly about the value I am receiving for my entertainment dollar (or $1.99)?

     

    Did I mention I’m a paying customer? I demand satisfaction.

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  • Why do I know I’m going to keep watching this show?