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And now… a message from Jimmy Carter

I Got What America Needs Right Here

The Onion

I Got What America Needs Right Here

Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight….

My favourite quotes:

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

But who comes to me, huh? F**king nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the f**k could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he f**king won the Nobel Peace Prize for that s**t. You myopic pricks. Back in ’79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two d**klicks shake hands.

You got a global warming problem? Boo-f**king-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your s**t at night to conserve energy in 19-f**kin’-75, for chrissake.